I use to think PMS never affected me. I was cool, calm and collected. What mood swings, i ask.
And then this weekend happened.
I literally lost it while watching a movie Friday night. And not lost it in the good girly way. It was Patriot Games and we were hardly 30 minutes in. Was i upset at the terrible representation of the Irish? No. I lost it when, for an instant, I was reminded that sometimes I think my boyfriend should be more communicative. Does his lack of communication bother me 95% of the time - no. But at 930pm on Friday night while watching Patriot Games, I was dumbfounded that he could be such an emotional retard.
Ok, hes not an emotional retard, but at 930pm on Friday night, only 2 days away from mother natures worst gift to women, I thought so.
On Saturday, reeling emotionally from this, I lost it when nothing went my way. I forgot and then dropped instructions to Alex’s in ponoka. i missed the turn to Bin 102 (or whatever its called). I couldn’t get from one side of Calgary Trail to the other in traffic (stupid 4 lanes in one direction). I orded food I hated at Taco bell and I missed the gas station to get air in the tires. And then I called my boyfriend by my ex’s name. My last ex.
Yah.
In a moment of complete exhaustion and frustration at my inability to do anything right, I turned and said “I’m not pointed in the right direction yet, Jonathan.”
And I slapped my hand over my mouth. Drove to the gas station. And cried.
I’d never done that. We managed to come up with a pretty obvious reason why I did it. I spent most of the 4 years with (or not with, depending on the day) jonathan being frustrated or angry. I don’t get frustrated or angry with my boyfriend (that much anyway). It slipped out because it was a common phrase (or type of phrase) I said to Jonathan.
I dunno. Maybe. Maybe not. The boyfriend seemed to buy it and I guess thats all that matters.
Do I have feelings still for the ex? As I move closer to a year apart, I guess I can admit that I will always love him. It took me some time to realize with Robert that I will always love him. I never want anything bad to happen to either of those men and I do believe that love is a feeling you have for a lifetime - regardless (irregardless) of your feelings for them. I truly hate Jonathan with every single fiber of my being, but I hate him for what he did to me and not for his ability to be a good person. So because I base love on a number of things and because I have two types of love in my heart (romantic and one general), I guess I can say I love him in the general sense because he is a good person who would go the ends of the earth for people he considers good.
Do I ever want to see him again - no.
So I guess the answer is, yes I do still have feelings for him. but not THOSE feelings. I have a ton of feelings for him. Hatred, anger, confusion, disgust and yes, general love.
No one said I wasn’t a complex woman.
Anywho, so we went to Ponoka and visited with an old friend and the best baby in the world. I dont’ know if I will have children. but if I could be promised Caitlin, I would have 20. she is the sweetest, most pleasant child I’ve ever met. Alex is lucky I didn’t have a bag big enough to kidnap her in.
the drive home was also an emotional ride. My boyfriend request (rather directed me) to highway 2a. Its two lanes, one in each direction, and his thoughts were it would be easier for me to drive. While, yes, the road was easier for me to drive, at night the lights of the on coming cars blinded me. And I freaked out more than once.
He was perfect tho, being very sweet and patient with me, reminding me there was nothing wrong with my driving. We made it back to town in one piece and, well, maybe because I was very emotional (stupid mother nature), it hit me once again that I do love him. In the romantic way and can’t wait to be able to tell him.
All in all, it was an ok weekend. But it was cemented in my head that I need to recognize I’m going to be cranky when I’m pms-ing and I need to take extra percautions to not piss off the people the love at that time.