life after it all

And what have you done?

Everyone would agree - this has been a rough year for me.  2007 will go down as the year I actually learned something.  And my Christmas has reflected this.  So its time to look back and maybe make some brief sense out of my year.  It is that time of the year and all.

2007 started out so very promising.  I was happy, blissfully happy, and ready to marry the man I thought I had always wanted in my life.  I had dedicated 3 years (at that point) to him and whether it was officially 3 years or not (it was 3 year to me, but as we all know he was screwing around for some of that time behind my back), that was still a large chunk of my 20's.  Life was never blissfull however.  Around April, it became clear that things were going seriusly south (and considering I was in South Africa, things couldn't go much more South).  By the end of July it was over and August made it offical. After a month and a half of me jumping any time he said how high and I had a physical and emotional breakdown (he honestly thought I was attention seeking when I passed out in Gardens mall and at first wasn't going to take my pale, sick, shivering ass to the hostpital in Pinelands).  I stuck it out for another few days of him half heartedly making sure I didn't die (and he made it seem like such a chore) and I yelled at him for cheating on me and lying to me and being a horrible person (apparently weak and sick Rian has a lot more guts than healthly Rian).  I reflected I think for only a moment on the one truly happy week we had had in the prior month and I called my folks and told them to get my very sick ass out of South Africa.  I was home before the end of the week.

It then took me over 2 months to figure out he will never-ever change.  It was a difficult 2 months of too many tears and way too much weight lost.  But December 8 2007 was the day I cut Jonathan Matthew Endersby out of my life forever.  I haven't turned back and have not spoken to him since.  I've got too many South Africans in my life to keep me entertained :)

2007 was also the year I started (and quit) my PhD.  It was difficult to do my PhD with all the drama going on in my personal life.  I enjoyed it most of the time, but to the end I really hated it.  It was a tough decision to make to quit and I guess the door is still open somewhat if I get SSHRC.  But thats a bridge I will cross in the new year.  And honestly, its one I would rather not cross at all.

I rediscovered friendship in 2007 as well.  I met a wonderful couple while in South Africa - Gavin and Eunice.  Eunice was there for me through it all.  And she deserves chocolate and wine forever for her friendship.

I arrived home to the open arms (at 3am) to the best friends a girl could ever ask for.  Kathy, Amanda and April rocked my socks in the airport.  I was so dazed that I don't think I showed enough emotion, but there they were, with balloons and smiles.  I rekindled my fledging friendships with April and Amanda over the following few months and I re-established a wonderful life long friendship with Kathy.  That girl will go to the ends of the earth for you and anyone who knows her counts herself very lucky.

I also realized that some of my other best friends are just as wonderful.  Nadine was surprisingly strong during the 2 months between coming home and writing him out of my life.  She would probably be hurt to hear me say "surprisingly", but its true. I always knew she was great, but in October and November, she really came thru for me.  While she still picks on me all the time, she also knows when to extend her arms in a hug.

Most important to me this year was my relationship with my parents.  They managed to be there every second of the roller coaster smash that was my life with Jonathan.  As many people know, I was never close to my parents growing up (as my mother said in November - "You never opened up to us before...").  But when things came smashing down around me in May, I felt such a need to open up to them.  From then on I just felt things become easier with them.  I dont mind living at home right now.  And I've opened up to my mother in ways I never thought possible.  And my father....wow, he flew to toronto to help me home.  To those people who don't understand where toronto is in relation to St. JOhn's, its like flying from London to Prague or Calgary to Montreal or Cape Town to like.....Jo-burg and back and more.  Its a long way to go just for an 8 hour stop over.  I was blown away to see him cry in Toronto airport.  Blown away again to see him cry on December 8 when I told him I no longer wanted to know who Jonathan was anymore.

I also started my first real career job search.  Its been a tough road and its not over.  I'm still sitting the Alberta Justice competition. God knows when that will finish.  I have got to admit that I am banking a lot of that job.  And I do fear that if I don't get it I will spiral into depressin again.  Which is why I've made the decision that I will go to Europe if I don't get the job.  I will take a real vacation.  Kick back, drink, eat and be very very merry.  Very very merry.  There might be X rated merriness in my holiday.  who knows yet.

I also suffered my first ever bout of depression this year.  Surprised?  I think I started getting depressed in July when it was obvious that things were not going well.  It didn't help matters that in late July I was told by Jonathan that if I didnt just "snap out of it" that he would dump me.  It only got worse and it wasn't until I came home that I started to feel better.  I think I'm almost out of it by now, but I will have to see how I get thru this job thing before I can say I'm over it.

I started seeing a therapist in mid October as well.  I highly recommend one to everyone I know.  I haven't seen her now in over 2 weeks, but I think I'll go back to her at least one more time.  She is more my personal cheerleader than anything else and really, thats what I need in my life right now.

Finally, I've realized that I want and need to focus on my career.  I'm 27 and I have a great education.  I have great life expereinces and great, but small work experiences.  I need to work on making my small work experiences into big ones.  So my career is first in my life.  Not men (which is where my priority has been for the past 7 years), not socializing.  I'm dating (well, I've had one date, but its early days on the road to recovery from the ass).  I'm being responsible (i've not once flashed anyone my boobs after too much to drink) and I'm loving the company of my friends. 

Who knows what 2008 will bring.  The only thing that is certain is that I will turn 28 on April 5.  Everything else - is yet to be determined.

Oh, and I learned how to drive a manual.

It may be at Kathy's or it may be in the back seat of a cab.  Either way . . . I am cell-less.  And its killing me.  And I don't even use it that much.  Just for Texts and stuff.  But the thought that I might have lost it for good - and therefore having lost the 2G memory card - is making me sad.  I really hope Kathy has it.

So last night was a blast.  If I lost my cell, then it must have been a blast.  I didn't roll home until after 2am (which is late for me).  I didn't spend my evening hitting on men (no offense to the men there, there wasn't anyone worth hitting on).  But I laughed my friggin ass off with a very old friend who was home for the holidays.  I knew he was coming, but I couldn't say anything because I was hiding it form Kathy.  And she was so surprised Michael was there!!!  We talked late into the night about the old days. 

And Erin.  Not Erin Sharpe, who was as pleasant and great as ever, but Erin Power, Kathys cousin, made me roar.  And who were those friggin guys there who knew my cousins Les and Jeff? 

Good times had by all.

Except for the cell.  Where the hell is my cell?!

And the Kilbride Facelift is when you wear your hair so tight in a pony tail that you look like you had a facelift.

My best moments always happen after 5 beers.  That 6th one - well, I just became silent after that one.  I'm not so funny after 6.

I think Xmas strips people of their common sense. Between my co-workers acting like 10 year olds to my friends assuming WAY to much, my life today appears to be upside down and inside out. I feel like I'm the only one who still has their head on straight today.

I'm still livid with Alberta Justice. I'm not using my "new found awareness" to not let it get to me. But who am I kidding? I think I threw out my new awareness the minute the asshole changed his mind for the 4th time. I'm passing in the forms for my criminal record check today and I don't expect it back until at least Jan 4th. Its going to be a long, long 2 weeks.

Tomorrow is Kathys annual Tibbs Eve party. Its always a good time. And hopefully more so than usual for me this year. I finally have no boyfriend to think about. I actually thought about it this year. I've never been to one of Kathy's Tibbs Eve partys without having either a boyfriend or the asshole acting like a boyfriend. I may have to work at 12 the next day, I'm ready for a rocking night full of "I sooooo don't care" and "hello stranger!" Ok ok. So thats what my alter ego, Kate, would like to do. the reality is that I'm more likely to spend the night talking to Erin and surprisining Yves with my incredibly inproper description of how excited I get by certain aspects of technology. Poor Poor Yves. He will never look at a dvd burner the same way again.

And today I've been fighting the urge to say something to someone.   To say it to someone would mean I would be doing a complete 180degree turn from the "marching forward" direction I've been taking.  But I'm an aries.  And I have a strong habit of acting first and thinking later.  So think of this as me thinking first.  Nothing i have to say is news to the people involved, but I feel a very strong urge to say it out of principle.  I even have the urge to involve a 2nd party who might not know what the first party was doing/saying he was going to do with reference to the second party.  And in all honesty, my feelings towards the second party are absolute hatred and I blame her sorry, slutty ass for a whole lot of trouble in my life over the past 4 years.  So really, the effect of what I want to say is to hurt two parties, rather than just one.

Ok, so that was me thinking outloud.  My desire to stoop to take the low road is fading.  He can involve himself in her again, but we all know where that road will lead.....again.

I feel a strong urge to warn women of the world . . .  .

I'm in an agry mood.  Maybe I'm best left alone.

So yah, I got a bit caught up in the anger.  So I forgot to review how my drinks last night (aka "the date") went.

It went well.  It was relatively short (which was fine with me as I have to work today).  But we chatted about where we had been over the past 10 years and hockey (woohoo!) and religion. 

I did remember (however much later while I was driving home), that my limit is 3 drinks (which I stuck to), but its 3 drinks over 3 hours.  Not 3 drinks over 2 hours.  So I'm sure I was one beer away from not being able to drive home.  And in all honestity, I probably shouldn't have driven home anyway. 

Too much time in South Africa has made me immune to that little angel on my shoulder which says "Don't drive".  Got to get that angel a mega phone.

Especially since I went home and emailed AB justice.  :(

But yes, drinks were fun.  I've got to admit.  And hopefully we will do it again before one or both of us leaves for the mainland.

I'm offically back in the game.  Back on the horse (even if the horse is only a pony - I'll get on the big horsie later).

I could tear through this post.  I could use a few curse words to describe just how annoyed I am.  But I won't.  I will put out the facts as they are.

The closing date for the job competition I am sitting was Oct 2nd.  I received word that I was given an interview in early November.  Over two weeks later, I was called for a second interview.  At the end of the 2nd interview, I was told to submit a writing sample and Xpresspost a form allowing them to conduct a CSIS security check and a financial check.  Plus, I provided them with three references.  So its a week later.  They have contacted 2 of my three references.  I get a call yesterday telling me I need to provide a 4th reference AND a criminal record check.  Preferably the 4th reference should be an old prof.

So I try to contact some profs last night and because I haven't submitted anything for the past 2 years to them, they will not be a reference.  And the criminal record check - its bloody xmas.  It will take at least 2 weeks.

However, they are "really considering me for this position".  I could hear the fear in her voice that I would tell her to f*&k off.

Seriously people.  Now I won't find out about this job until the second week of Jan at the very very earliest - thats the earliest I think I could get my damn criminal record check to them. 

I SOOOO hope someone else comes a long and offers me a job before them.

I am livid.

I'm having those wild dreams again.  Yah - the same wild dreams I had while I was living in South Africa.  Dreams that involve people dying, or something horrible happening.  I chaulked them up to things be so shit with him while I was living in CT.  But things are going shit now.  They aren't going fantastic either, but they really do not deserve the wild dreams I have been having.


In one week, the craziness of Christmas will be over.  I will be lying on the sofa, fat and happy, watching World Jrs. Hockey.  I have a feeling Christmas this year is going to be radically different than what Im use too.  I get the feeling my extended family is slowing pulling apart.  Not in a bad way, but just that since all the grandkids are adults (even Katie is 18), theres not the same reason to come together on Christmas day to eat.  The argument a few weeks back over it was evidence that things are really and truly changing.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I love Christmas.  Not like Susan, but I really enjoy it.  I enjoy waking up at 8am to open gifts and getting all dressed up to go to my Uncle Seans place (where there will be no one besides Uncle Sean, Aunt Linda, me, mom and Dad, this year).  I enjoy coming home and lying on the sofa until its time to go to the Walls. I enjoy the craziness of it all.

I'm getting my hair cut today.  Hair is already fabulously brown.  It just needs to be wonderfuly cut. 

And my book.  Yes, the book I am reading, Exit to Eden.  Its the old Erotic book Anne Rice wrote.  I was thinking it was lame until last night.  And then...well.. I'm lying in bed, reading about how Lisa and Eliott travelled to New Oreleans.  And then the most amazing sex scene I've read - ever.  Sigh.  No other words.  Just sigh.

Well, almost.  I have new hair and it will be fabulous tomorrow.  Its brown.  Not red.  Not blue, not even purple.  Its brown.  It looks like I might have been born with this color. It looks great.  It would look better if it was long and flowing, but its short and straight.  But the color is still amazing and I no longer have to field questions about whether I'm Irish or not (which I am in the ancestor sense, but I was fielding questions about how long I was in Canada from Ireland). 

I would like to thank all my friends who helped me kick ass at the First Annual Reindeer Monopoly Party on Sunday night.  Two Strongbows later and I was sitting pretty collecting rent from my well developed properties.  It was sad to see three friends however gang up on me for winning.  NO CHEESECAKE FOR YOU!  At least Leslie remained neutral.  I think.

And its so not a date.  I think I want it to be a date in my head so I can finally say I'm dating.  I mean, after four years of really and truly getting your head and heart screwed with can really take its toll.  But I think I know in my head and heart that I'm not a dating kind of gal.  I'm a relationship girl.  So this will probably be exactly what it is - two old friends going for drinks who just happen to be a guy and a girl.  I mean, if I couldn't let the cute one kiss me last Jan when I was taken, I'm not about to let this one kiss me when I'm single.  I'm just too concerned with waiting for the right guy to jump back into it with.  (and I may have already met him, but the chanes of that happening are so slim it frustrates me every single when I go to bed) So I will probably stay blissfully alone in every sense until someone more attainable (proximity/desire to not have children/love of crazy medical dramas) comes out and asks me out and into a relationship.  And I will moan about never dating and I will go out and moan that men don't hit on me.  And I will moan that the only men I meet who seem interested really should be in a basement somewhere playing WoW or Magic (that I know what WoW and Magic is perhaps means I should be in that basement with them).  And why would be be interested now if he wasn't interested 10 years ago when I was arguably less jaded by life and therefore prettier (because life experiences make people look ugly apparently).  And hell, I was more desperate 10 years ago - at least now I've discovered the joys booze to dull any and all pain.

Ok, I sound a wee bit pathetic.  But its almost 9am and I'm facing a day at work where I just might have to punch my boss in the face.

Alberta Justice called to get more info on my references.  I can smell independence and the freedom to walk around my own flat naked (which I would never do, but love the fact that I could).

How many more days still Ho Ho comes?

So I think I have a date next week.  Maybe its not a date.  But because being out with a male who isn't gay without  friends hasn't happened to me in about . . . oh . . . 4 years, I'll pretend its a date so I can smile.  Ok, so if you count drinks with a coworker last Jan before I moved to SA, then its once in the past 4 years.  And that could have been a date since hes a hot guy and appears frequently in my dreams (just kidding - or am I?).  So yah, I have a potential date this coming week.  And it has no future - because he lives away.  And this is a good thing, because I need to learn to date and not want anything else.

I'm excited.

I'm potentially dating again.

And the bible is "Its called a Breakup because its broken".

I wrote some of my deep feelings about him on my other blog - which was administrered by him.  I new he would get around to reading it eventually.  Although, I didn't think it would be so soon.  So he took me off his blog.  Fair enough, really.  It was just a matter of time.  But in the same breath, he also took me off his friends list on Facebook.  This I found very childish.

Yes, I did tell him I never wanted to hear from him again and that he was to never contact me.  But really, that was said in total anger.  I don't want to hear from him now.  And I don't want to hear from him in the near future.  But somewhere, sometime, down the line (specifically when I have a boyfriend and am happily in the relationship I think will last my lifetime), I know I will want to see how he is. I'm not cruel.  Just really outspoken and apt to say exactly what is on my mind.

I've been dreaming about him the past few nights.  I'm pretty sure this is because I've not allowed myself to think about him at all during the day.  But now, when I dream about him, I wake up feeling sad.  And then I can't sleep.

Whats slightly more troubling is that I'm once again focused on this job in Alberta again.  I had the second video conference interview yesterday.  I think it went well, but you never know with government.  But what worries me is that if I don't get ths job, I will fall into a depression again.  I did it last time when I *thought* I did crap in the interview.  And look where that got me - committing to going back to South Africa. 

So I'm a little scared the only thing keeping me together is the fact that I can concentrate on the Alberta job.

So this blog has multiple purposes.

I have recently had a very important relationship end after 2 offical years and 4 unoffical years.  It was rough.  I moved to South Africa for this man.  I visited him once.  I started my PhD for him.  I did A LOT for him.  And I got jerked around like a dog on a chain.  And in fact, I often now feel if thats how he viewed me.  So I need to rant in a place where he is unlikely  to find out.  He will remain nameless.  Here at least.  But everyone who knows me who is reading this will know exactly WHO I am speaking of.

This is the only purpose I am really ready to mention.  And honestly, its the only one that matters in my life at the moment.  Hopefully others will learn from my mistake (yes he WAS a mistake) and not get involved with a manipulator like him.

So today is day 3 of being offically single.  I've been single since the first breakup in August, but I still lived with him until mid September and we got back together a few times over the past 2 months.  But since I've warned him never to contact me ever again, this is day 3 of the rest of my life.

I feel good.  Surprisingly.  I've had a few moments in the past few days where I wanted to cry my eyes out.  But I've only done it once after the inital shock.  In bed on Sunday night.  I wanted to never wake up.  I was all tapped out emotionally.  After 4 years of living for this man, I was tapped out.  But otherwise, I'm doing ok.  Not fantastic, but thats to be expected.  I did dream about him last night, which was disturbing because for the past week I've been dreaming about other men.  Now that I never want to dream about him again, I do.  Life is funny like that.

However, the signs were there before he lost his small balls.  In the cosmic sense.  I got a call from Alberta Justice on Thursday asking me for a second interview.  My first interview was over 2 weeks ago.  And it went badly from my perspective.  But now they want a video conference on Thursday.  They couldn't get a hold of me initally and sent me an email regarding this on Friday.  Because on Friday I was stil returning to South Africa, I almost immediatly responded to the email saying I was not able to have another interview.  But I didn't.  Something inside of me said . . .

"Wait for Sunday.  They won't read the email until Monday anyway."

And then on Saturday - POW!

So how glad am I that I didn't send of that email?

Very.

So onwards I move.  By myself for the first time in 7 years really.