life after it all

And then this weekend happened.

I literally lost it while watching a movie Friday night.  And not lost it in the good girly way.  It was Patriot Games and we were hardly 30 minutes in.  Was i upset at the terrible representation of the Irish?  No.  I lost it when, for an instant, I was reminded that sometimes I think my boyfriend should be more communicative.  Does his lack of communication bother me 95% of the time - no.  But at 930pm on Friday night while watching Patriot Games, I was dumbfounded that he could be such an emotional retard.

Ok, hes not an emotional retard, but at 930pm on Friday night, only 2 days away from mother natures worst gift to women, I thought so.

On Saturday, reeling emotionally from this, I lost it when nothing went my way.  I forgot and then dropped instructions to Alex’s in ponoka.  i missed the turn to Bin 102 (or whatever its called). I couldn’t get from one side of Calgary Trail to the other in traffic (stupid 4 lanes in one direction).  I orded food I hated at Taco bell and I missed the gas station to get air in the tires.  And then I called my boyfriend by my ex’s name.  My last ex. 

Yah.

In a moment of complete exhaustion and frustration at my inability to do anything right, I turned and said “I’m not pointed in the right direction yet, Jonathan.”

And I slapped my hand over my mouth. Drove to the gas station.  And cried.

I’d never done that.  We managed to come up with a pretty obvious reason why I did it.  I spent most of the 4 years with (or not with, depending on the day) jonathan being frustrated or angry.  I don’t get frustrated or angry with my boyfriend (that much anyway). It slipped out because it was a common phrase (or type of phrase) I said to Jonathan.

I dunno.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  The boyfriend seemed to buy it and I guess thats all that matters.

Do I have feelings still for the ex?  As I move closer to a year apart, I guess I can admit that I will always love him.  It took me some time to realize with Robert that I will always love him.  I never want anything bad to happen to either of those men and I do believe that love is a feeling you have for a lifetime - regardless (irregardless) of your feelings for them.  I truly hate Jonathan with every single fiber of my being, but I hate him for what he did to me and not for his ability to be a good person.  So because I base love on a number of things and because I have two types of love in my heart (romantic and one general), I guess I can say I love him in the general sense because he is a good person who would go the ends of the earth for people he considers good.

Do I ever want to see him again - no.   

So I guess the answer is, yes I do still have feelings for him.  but not THOSE feelings.  I have a ton of feelings for him.  Hatred, anger, confusion, disgust and yes, general love.

No one said I wasn’t a complex woman.

Anywho, so we went to Ponoka and visited with an old friend and the best baby in the world.  I dont’ know if I will have children.  but if I could be promised Caitlin, I would have 20.  she is the sweetest, most pleasant child I’ve ever met.  Alex is lucky I didn’t have a bag big enough to kidnap her in.

the drive home was also an emotional ride.  My boyfriend request (rather directed me) to highway 2a.  Its two lanes, one in each direction, and his thoughts were it would be easier for me to drive.  While, yes, the road was easier for me to drive, at night the lights of the on coming cars blinded me.  And I freaked out more than once.

He was perfect tho, being very sweet and patient with me, reminding me there was nothing wrong with my driving.  We made it back to town in one piece and, well, maybe because I was very emotional (stupid mother nature), it hit me once again that I do love him.  In the romantic way and can’t wait to be able to tell him.

All in all, it was an ok weekend.  But it was cemented in my head that I need to recognize I’m going to be cranky when I’m pms-ing and I need to take extra percautions to not piss off the people the love at that time.

I live on the 9th floor of a nice apt building.  I like it.  Its small, but it suits my needs.  Its very close to work and everything else I need - besides the boyfriend.  But this summer has been an eye opener.  I lived with my Ex in South Africa for most of 2007. Including the blazingly hot summer.  I often went naked in the apt.  And on a few nights, I sat up right in our bed dripping with sweat cause it was 40 degrees at 3am.

While Edmonton does not get that hot at 3am, my apt does.  Its like a heat trap that locks in heat and never releases it.  So for the past few weeks I’ve been thinking I need to move before next June.

Last night my boyfriend spent the night.  He’s been unwilling to spend the night for most of the summer because it gets too hot at night.  But yesterday was bitterly cold (for August) and the night was cool.  I had all the windows open and well…wasn’t he cool during supper?

So he stayed.  Actually, more because we drank a bottle of wine and then vodka, but I wasn’t complaining.  I enjoy my boy in my bed. (I’m usually in his).  However, I was awake half the night warm.  Not sweating, but warm enough to not sleep. At 5am, we both woke up and had to walk around the apt to cool off.

So while getting back into bed at 5am, I turned to him and said “I’m moving”.

• I’m not the best at delegating.  I live by the motto “don’t ask others to do what you can do yourself”.  Not that I think I’m perfect at everything I do, but I trust myself to get the work done and I have little faith in others ability to do anything.  This way the shit doesn’t hit the fan when it comes to crunch time and I have no one to blame but myself for things not working out.

  However, part of my new job is to oversee the organization of a conference. 

  First off, organization is my OCD.  I see it, I want to organize it.  Imagine me in a room full of colored blocks.  I want to put them all in groups based on color.  Its a little overwhelming cause I can’t help myself sometimes and I figure, one day, a psychologist will get a hold of me and put me on some drugs. 

  Nevertheless, I must delegate the organization of this conference to my underling.

  Imagine my anxiety.

  But anyway - I have set out a task list for us with his tasks and my tasks.  Hes doing all the leg work and I’m doing the things that I just can’t let go of: getting presentations together, ordering the printed materials, doing the agenda.  But hes doing the really important stuff.  The stuff that needs to get done if this conference is to be more than me holding some papers.

  His first few tasks went miserably.  He was, by yesterday, to pick out a meeting location.  I went with him to visit all three finalists (picked by me).  On Monday afternoon, he came into my office and asked if I wanted to see the emails and attachments the three finalists sent him.

  “No, I do not want to see the attachments.  This is your baby and I will support you in your decision”.

  On Wed he came into my office telling me that the Westin quoted him a $1700 audio visual fee.  Firstly, while I think the Westin is insane, I also think this underlining over estimated the audio visual stuff we would need.  But sigh, this is his baby.

  “Would you like to see the quote the Westin gave us?”

  “No, I don’t want to see the Westin quote.  This is your baby, and I will support you in your decision”.

  Yesterday was our bi-weekly (bi-monthly?) meeting.  He came into my office and I asked him”

  “So have you choosen a location?”

  “Well, the Westin want to charge us $1700 for audio visual….”

  “Ok, I think we need to just hash this out and make a decision.  I think we both know the answer, lets just go with the Chateau Louis”. (this is me)

  “I agree, good choice”. (this is him)

  It wasn’t my choice to make.  On numberous occasions over the past week I told him this was his baby and I would suppor him.  I went with him to see the venues and I gave him my opinions while we visited the venues.  He had the info.  Make the decision.

  But he didn’t.

  I could understand some stage fright if he was the one to make the decision and write the cheque.  But hes not.  He had to tell me and when I ok’d the decision, he had to write the BN to get approval from the Deputy. So if he made the wrong choice, there were at least 3 people who would be able to tell him he made the wrong decision.

  So next up for him is to write the BN for approval. I told him flat out whats needed in the BN and when he should write it.  Do I trust he will get:

• the quote from the Chateau Louis
• estimate printing costs
• actually write the damn thing

No. I dont.

Did I mention he was to help me draft a invite list?  Has he?  No.  Not really.

New development:  He just wandered into my office and asked me about the lunch quote. 

Maybe he will surprise me.

But I doubt it.

Did I mention I have little faith in humanity?