life after it all

Its been pointed out to me recently that I don’t appear to be a very happy person.  This came in the midst of a very revealing conversation that might have been percipitated by my neurotic need to be the one who cleans my home.  Don’t ask.  I’m sure theres a gene my mother and I share that only this small fraction of the McCarthy clan have.

Am I an unhappy person?  I never thought so.  I guess I always thought I was a realist.  You know, the type that hopes for the best but prepares for the worst.  I guess I always like to think of life as ready to kick me in the ass, but hoping it doesn’t hurt that much.  But someone very close to me mentioned that I don’t appear to be a very happy person.  And this made me think . . . a lot.

I use to be a very happy person.  My teens and early twenties were full of some very happy moments.  I rarely cried while I was doing my Bachelors and dating Robert and lived at home and worked part time at the Running Room.  I was perhaps the most happiest I’ve ever been while living in Ireland.  Not a care in the world until the very end when I threw in the towel (for reasons I’ll only discover with lengthy trips to the thearpist).  I can’t remember ever being as happy as I was when I working at Fitzpatrick Castle.  I loved being abroad, working with great people.  I’ve thought a lot recently about why I was so happy then, and not now (as people have pointed out).  It wasn’t because of the relatinoship I was in.  Sure, I was happy with Robert, but its very obvious to those privy to my confessions at the time, that I was already slowly falling out of love with him.  It wasn’t because of the job I had.  I hated working till 5am two nights in a row, or working the dreaded Sunday afternoon shift full of screaming children. It wasn’t because I was making loads of money and had no debt.  I was making enough to live comfortably, but I had a ton of debt which my parents were paying on at the time.  So why was I so happy?

I think (I THINK), maybe I just felt invincable.  Sure, I’d seen a lot of heartache and pain in my life, but I hadn’t been jaded by love or life.  I was 23.  the world was my perverbial oyster.  I knew I could do anything I set my mind too. I was young, healthy and in charge of my life.

So whats so different now?

I work in a job where I make enough money to drop $100 on a three month pass to all the attractions at the West Edmonton Mall.  My job is personally fulfilling.  I miss my friends terribly, but I keep in touch with them.  I’m developing new friends and I’m in a relationship that makes realize I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I’m healthy and so is my family.

By all accounts, I have a better quality of life now than I did when I was at my happiest.  but yet, I still appear to be an unahppy person.  Am I jaded my life and love?  Maybe.  I’m tired of saying I’m still healing from my last relationship.  I wish jonathan all the best in life.  I’m proud I survived the worst year of my life and I wear it on my sleeve like a badge of honor.  so whats the problem?  why, when I’m told I don’t appear to be happy, so I revert back to excusing my actions through 2007?

When I look at my life in individual blocks, I don’t see the problem.  I’m coming to terms with my career.  No longer do I say “My job isn’t in my area” or “Its just until I find something in my area”.  This is my area right now and I’ve accepted that as long as I’m doing something that makes the lvies of others better, I’m happy.

See . . . theres that word again.  Happy.

I love my relationship.  I’ve never met someone who makes me as happy as my boyfriend does.  I want to squeeze the stuffing out of him.  Hes so supportive and optimistic.  We have our issues (which are essentially my issues).  but i’m happy as punch with him.   (When I’m not worried about losing him - ok, so its not perfect)

But see, happy.

I miss my friends incredibly, but I know their there for me.  And i’m slowly making new friends.  and they are great people.  And for a non-social person, I think the few dedicated friends I do have is a great indication of things to come.  they make me happy.

Happy.

Anyway, my whole point is I don’t get why I appear to be an unhappy person.  I’m “happy” with the things in my life.  but maybe thats it.  I’m happy “with the things in my life”.  Am I happy with my life?  Do I face life thinking today could be the best day of my life?  Just because I know I need to be more of an optimist in order to save my relationship, does that mean I need to fear the end of it?  I’ve proven i’m the strongest person I know.  I know that I will land on my feet no matter what.  Shouldn’t that be enough to make me more secure….

Hey.  Wait.  thats a word I’ve not used yet.  Secure.  Maybe its not about being happy.  Maybe its all about being secure.  Am I secure?

If I’m more optimistic, will I be more secure?  If I KNOW I will eventually work in a job that uses all my talents and in the mean time I’m learning more, I should be more secure in the knowledge that I’m a wonderfuly bright person with skills in demand.  If I KNOW my boyfriend and I are meant to be together because I just feel it in my stomach, I should be more secure in how he feels for me (because I’m a wonderfuly bright person with winning personality and smile - blah - vomit).  If I KNOW my life will work out exactly the way it should, I should be secure in the knowledge that life will not throw at me nothing I can’t handle.

Life will not throw at me nothing I can not handle.

Hows that for a first step towards optimism?

I can feel it already.