life after it all

I am ruled by my nerves.  This is not new.  Whether I do something or not is connected to whether or not I have the nerve to do it.  And so now, I'm nervous again.  I start my new job with Alberta Justice at 815am tomorrow morning with a meeting with my supervisor.  I emailed the HR person who hired me to confirm this meeting (since I've had no contact with my supervisor and I got this memo weeks ago).  But shes on holidays.  Again.  Oh my.  I hate first days at work, or rather, first days at anything.  I'm horrible with first impressions.

On another note - I need my personal space.  I'm getting irritated by my father.  Just his presense is annoying me.  We aren't really fighting a lot, which is a good thing, but we are together 24/7.  I'm sleeping on an uncomfortable futon while hes in my bed (which I've not slept on yet) and he snored al last night.  best part is that there was no discussion about him taking the bed.  It was a given.  Now I'm sleep deprived and my neck hurts and I bet I will be sleeping in that futon again tonight the night before I start work.  Count down until Sunday begins.

But Lost starts tonight.  So all will be ok for a few hours.

so on my new desk is a pick of me from the fall (or south african spring) of 2003 on a road trip  in South Africa with Bevin, tom and Liz.  (This was before we met Heike and while we still didn't like doing things with Rachel or Matt).  We are on our way back into town from Hermanus (I think) and we had pulled over to take some pics.  In this picture, I'm out in the middle of the road with my arms outstretched showing how small the road is (I also did this in Ireland in 1999 and 2002).  My point in mentioning this is that I look blond.  Like I'm not kidding.  I have my hair in pigtails and I look like I have dark blond/light brown hair.  When I was 21 I did dye my hair dark blond, but I dont "really" remember doing this again in 2002.  I could do a few things to check this out (because I can't go back to Newfoundland to look at the rest of the photos from South Africa in 2002/3).  I could email Jonathan who met me at this time and ask him if I had light hair (and we all know hes a) an ass and b) has the memory of a sieve), or ask Bevin if she has a pic of me from this time (or this day) and can confirm my light hair.

Why am I so concerned?  Because I've been toying with the idea of lightening my hair come March for the summer.

I have arrived.  And I'm settled enough to write about it.

I arrived last thursday morning and before the end of the day I had my apt.  I visited 4 places on the first day and the first place I visited was the best.  I signed my lease and had my keys by Friday afternoon.  The flat is great.  Its a Studio  (which is different than a bachelor because a studio has a seperate kitchen).  Everything is included in the rent - heat, light, power. I just pay the internet, phone and cable.  Its got new carpets and countertops.  And its smack downtown.  I am a 15 minute walk to work at the most.  I guess I'll find out on Friday.

I have shopped endlessly at Ikea.  I love the colors I have in the apt - all oranges, reds and greens.  Very bright - just the way I like it.  I have a double bed and a futon.  I am sleeping on the futon right now while my dad is here.  He leaves on Sunday night and honestly, I'm starting to look forward to having my own space.  I bought a more expensive tv than I wanted too, but I can now say I am the owner of a Sharp flat screen, HD panel tv.  It goes nicely with the cable package I got (also more than I hoped, but I get History and A and E, so its worth it).

The big news here in Edmonton is the weather.  Holy CRAP!  It was good the first few days I was here, but starting Sunday the temps dropped like a hot potato.  Its been below -25 for three days straight and at times the windchill has been -50.  Yes. This is rare, I've been told.  I sure hope so.  Once dad leaves, I will be carless and will be bussing and walking my way around town.

Today we head to the WEst Edmonton Mall.  I'm super excited because I can buy something for me and not the apt.  Not that I have a whole lot of money left.  But I do need shoes.  Black heels to make myself more "provocative" on my first day of work.  (Rachel from Friends would suggest this is the best way to make a great first impression when your boss is a male).

I apparently loathe Newfoundland winters.  I am once again leaving Newfoundland just before the worst of the winter starts.  I have not been in Newfoundland between Feb and May since 2001. I'm moving to Edmonton tomorrow for at least 14 months.  And finally, after much stress, the apt thing is hopefully sorting itself out.

I feel very much like life is finally, slowly starting to sort itself out.  I see my life as a puzzle.  In easly Sept, my life was like an unmade puzzle.  I had all the pieces before me but they were scattered and I had no idea where any of the pieces fit.  I had my ruined relationship, my faltering PhD, my tattered self esteem, my past education, my past work, my home in Canada, my friends in Canada, the start of a life in Cape Town - I had all these pieces and much more before me, spread out like mess of puzzle pieces.  I short circuted and finally started to realize that I didn't need to fit all the pieces together all at the same time.  It took a complete physical meltdown, but it happened.  I picked up the puzzle pieces and slowly started to see which ones fit and in the process discovered that the pieces I once thought had t be at the centre of the puzzle in actual fact belong at the edge - defining who I was as a person, but no longer dictating the entire picture.  The puzzle will take years to put together, but I have started to edge it out, fully understanding what pieces are ACTUALLY important.  I no longer try to force pieces together, but gently nudge them into place.  In this process, parts of who I am are becoming clear and pictures of the puzzle are evident which I thought were not possible.  And once I put a few pieces together, I find others fall into place.  And in this vein, I stumbled on "Eat, Pray, Love".  A book that has captured how I am viewing my life right now.  Its amazing how certain things enter your life just when you need them - if you allow them.

I'm done now.  I'm ready to go to Edmonton.  I'm not packed fully, but I'm done with my parents.  Its plain to see why children move out.  Old wounds and issues were drudged up last night and like always, I'm the one who is made out to be a self-ish, mean brat who is still as self-centred as I was 10 years ago.  Not exactly loving words (said behind my back) by my folks, but not surprising words as I've been hearing mean things said about me since I was 12 by my parents.  Anyway, I confronted them about above mentioned 20 years of things said behind my back and they responded like I would have if I was caught doing something I should have known better.  sigh.  2 days. Then 10 days with my father.  Just hold your tongue.

On a better note, I went for a drink with Nadine after work last night and we settled into the Grapevine (my favourite St. John's wine spot).  We drank red wine and watched as a very drunk 19 year old had a melt down on the phone with her boyfriend.  It made me very happy that I didn't have a cell phone when I was silly enough to drink wine, cocktails and shots all within a 2 hour period.  (Ok ok, so I was still doing that at 22, but I digress).  I'm no longer doing that sort of thing and I never had yelling matches with anyone over my cell phone - not the least of which are yelling matches where someone feels the need to yell (from the mens washroom - yes, she was a girl) "But if you just let me tell you I love you!" It was a little sweet that she wished to tell her very angry boyfriend she loved him, however, I had just witnessed this girl hanging off another very drunk piece of crap (not her boyfriend).  So I had to laugh.  the wonders of youth.

Last night was my last night with A Special Touch.  As much as I bitched about the job, my bitching was really only about the job.  I loved the people I worked with and I will miss them a lot.  Some need a very loud shout out - Cathy (who was let go about 3 weeks ago), Shirley (who gave me a bottle of wine last night), Linda Dawe (who is just the best mother anyone could ask for), Darlene, Dani...and everyone else.  They are a wonderful bunch of girls/women whom I will always have a special place in my heart for.

So it may have taken me months to do, but I believe I have resonably caught up on my uploading of pics to flickr.  The last bunch form Cape Town went up this morning.  All thats left are some pics from over Xmas.  And I can tell you I am glad.  Altho I consider myself sufficently over him and Cape Town to sometimes think about some of the better times I had there (SOMETIMES), going back over pics was a little hard.  Thats why I didn't spend too much time cleaning them up in photoshop.  But its done.  Finally.

The enormity of what I'm about to do hit me as I woke up this morning.  I am moving to Edmonton on Thursday.  The past week and a bit I've been excited and caught up in the quest to find an apt.  But this morning I have woken up with a more zen quality about the quest and a more nervous feeling about the whole move in general.  While I'm sure....no positive....that I will do just fine in Edmonton, as my Internist said to me on Friday, "If I had to go through what you went through this past year and then face another unknown like moving to Edmonton, I wouldn't be gaining weight either."  I think that may have been the phrase which is only taking hold right now.  While I've settled that I've come through a very harsh and emotionally/physically exhausting year, I think I looked at this move as simply a fresh start with new energy and the potential to make everything alright in my life.  But while that may be so, I guess I kind of forgot that moving anywhere, especially alone, is frightening and scarey.  I know this.  I've moved ALONE to Cape Town and Calgary before.  And I'm now remembering how scarey the lead up was and the first week alone.  Thankfully my first week will be buffered by having my father there.  But still, the impact of what I'm about to do it hitting home.  It makes me realize what a strong person I am in my life and I've accomplished so much that so many could only dream and I'm about to embark on another journey that some people are to scared to even begin.

So I guess what I'm saying is that while I am trembling at the gates of a new life, I am proud of who is standing there.

Today was my second last day of retail work.  It was inventory day and I was matched up with Danielle - super cool blond chick who kicked inventory ass with me today (and moaned with me when our good will was abused).  But after inventory a few of us work friends were to go out and have a drink or two - including the super cool Linda.  However we are having a storm today.  so while inventory went ahead (albeit cut short because of said storm), drinks could not.  Argh.  I was irritated with the abuse of mine and Danielle's good will and then to have a glass of wine snatched out form under my nose!?  I was put into a bad mood which is staying with me still. 

And the storm hasn't really started - but boy oh boy is there a lot down.  Wait until the wind starts!

But Alberta doesn't have storms really.  Just occasional snow (which stays because its so cold in the winter).  So I should be somewhat happy about the no more snow.  Except I will miss the snow days.  :(

I think I'm also going to have some trouble finding a place to live in Edmonton.  At least in the area I want to live in.  I want Whyte Ave (82nd Ave) area and I'm reluctant to take much less.  Its close to work (close enough to walk in the summer).  And its in a very boho area which Bevin calls Obs-ish/Gardens (ENOUGH with the Cape Town references people!!!).

And I think I may be coming down with a cold.  I've been working with the above mentioned super cool Danielle for a few days and she dying.  I thought I could aviod it, but as I was coming home from work I just felt it.  You know what I mean.  Ugh.  Cold FX here I come.

So I'm also still packing.  I have one bag packed and some clothes picked out for the second (of three).  I'm super excited. 

Yea!

Seriously.  How hot are we?


L-R: Dwan, Amanda, Rhonda (top), April, Kathy, me.

I think I look a little deer in the headlights.  And I don't generally take good pics, but this is good.  We all look truly happy.  No one is trying to be sexy or out do anyone.  Its a perfect example of 6 girls being happy.

I'm hoping I just worked my last Saturday retail shift ever.  I was acutely aware of how many crazy people there are at the mall.

I still hate James Blunt (and my parents love him).  He plays the most amazingly sad and melodic music that even his songs that aren't about love and loss make me cry.  Stupid James Blunt.

However, I am listening to the song by him that goes "Got to ask yourself the question, where are you now?".  I use to hear this a lot in Cape Town towards the end.  And I use to think that that phrase was so potent in my life.  And at the time I use think...yah, where am I now?  And the answer was ofcourse across the world with a man who couldn't treat me with respect if he tried.  But as I listen to it now, I think...where am I now?  I'm about to embark on a world of adventure where I can be whoever I want to be and let my life become what it was meant to be.

How hot are we?

I had a very well informing and long over due chat with a friend this evening who grew up in Edmonton.  It was so great to hear her voice and even better to hear someone say "Edmonton is a nice place".  While I had no real doubts about Edmonton, it was nice to hear someone say it.  Shes given me tips on where I might want to live (actually just comfirmed where I want to live) and has told me I will have people there.  It made me smile.

On a related note, I looked at a rental application in Edmonton.  Holy crap!  I get that this is perhaps normal, but still, rental history, references and financial info!  I'm going to get on the ball about places now via email.  I really want to move in the last of the month!

And I had a sobering experience last night with a friend. A male friend.  I'm astonished at how men can treat their females friends so badly.  Well, badly might be over stating it.  Or maybe I just have high expectations.  I except my male friends to treat me like I'm there sister.  Which to mean means being nice and the occasional complement.  And for the most part, I get that.  And in some cases, I get a lot more - which makes me greatful of those males friends.  And while I advocate that men and women can be just friends, I also am practical and see that theres always the possibility of something else between male and female friends.    For this reason, I advocate positive flirting between male and female friends so as to keep the relationship smooth (cause I also find male female relationships can become dull otherwise).  Flirting involves completments and not saying things that will piss the other person off.  And it doesn't indicate something other than friendship.  Sigh.  How come some men can't understand this? 

So the ongoing investigation to find out whats wrong with me continues.  After two trips to the General Internist (a lovely 40-ish South African from Cape Town) and blood tests, a chest xray and an EKG - I am the picture of health - except for my heart and potential stomach.  Here are some gems from the report (which I am to take to my NEW Family Doctor in Edmonton):

"On examination, Rian is clearly underweight." (duh)

"There was no lymphadenopathy or pallor and pulses were easily palpable." (Can someone intrepret that?)

"I did hear a very soft murmur Grade i/vi query ejection systolic murmur over the mitral area and apex." (Huh?)

"Rian is a young adult with problems of loss of weight in the context of a good appetite, palpitations with frequent ventricular etopic beats, a soft heart murmur, possibily clubbing and history recent travel.  The over riding cause for the problem is not evident by thyrotoxicosis and cardiomyopathy needs to be excluded.  There is a history of syncope which sounds vasovagal in nature."  (YAH!  I'm still a toung adult!)

This was all before the tests.  After the tests there were more gems:

WRT Holter Test:
several pvc's, one couplet...loads of bigeminal cycles (the "loads" was added by me, but 10880 sounds like loads)

WRT Chest XRay:
The heart and mediastinum are normal.  the lung fields are clear with no active disease.  Incidental note is made of gastric distention with air.  (apparently, I "Swallow' air)

The real boring stuff is in the lab results which are perfectly normal.  no hyperthyriodism nor do I have diabetes.  And everything else is fine.

His recommendations are to get an Echo of my heart (which is throwing double the amount of beats which is normal), GI Referral (for the loss in weight and distended tummy) and a dietitian review.

He also asked the question I was waiting for:  am I throwing up.  He even prefaced it by saying he was going to ask a sensitive question.  GOD NO!  Don't even get me thinking about vomiting.  When the ex use to get ill (which was often and worried me to no end), I had to plug my ears and stand near the window.  Sorry people, I am not the person to be of any comfort when you are throwing up.

So while I continue NOT to gain weight, this is the least of my problems.  Dr. Berman tried to sound calm, but he kept impressing on me that I need to see a doctor in Edmonton to get an Echo done before the end of Feb.  Yah, I guess you don't fuck around when the heart is concerned.

As for the weight loss thingy, he said it was probably stress and he told me that if anyone went through what I had to go thru (and still going thru as me highlighted with the new move and new job) anyone would lose weight and any body would short circut like mine did.  We will rule out any GI problems before chaulking it all up to stress and the fact that I am meant to be a person of approx 120lbs (if I gain a few more pounds).  I have no issue with this and this is what mom is thinking.  As she reminds me, I was always small and I only started gaining weight in university and the minute I left school (Ireland and South AFrica the first time) I lost weight.  I only gained weight again in my Masters.  So maybe she is right - I am meant to be small. 

No complains here.

But I will admit, I was kinda scared to get the results back.  The last 2 days I've been on edge and while I kept telling my parents I was fine with this, I really was worried.  So I'm relieved that I'm the picture of health except for my heart.  And my heart - well, I kinda knew there was something wrong there.  So to find out I might have furhter problems than a load of extra beats is no real surprise to me.

T-minus 6 days and counting!