life after it all

I've been in a goofy mood for 3 days straight.  Like "I'm-a-12-year-old-trapped-in-a-28-year-old-body" goofy.  thank goodness its Friday. 

On a different note, I feel left out.  (warning, sad Rian moment coming)

I work in a great office.  I love my co workers and I really like the two girls who surround me physically.  but I feel incredibly left out.  Neither girl has been here much longer than me, but they have formed this secret club that leaves me out at every turn.  They see each other after work, they have lunches out of the office and I never get an invite.  Ok, ok, I could invite myself along or invite them to do something with me.  But I'm not inherentally social and I don't just invite myself along to places and I dont just invite people to do something unless I feel some sort of feelings of mutual-ness (is that a word?)  Anyway, I feel left out.  And I had such high hopes for making friends at work.  thankfully, I'm a generally self sufficent person and i like my own company.

But I digress.

Speaking of friends, I'm having a wine and pizza with a great girl tonight.  I was certain she would be because she comes highly recommended from a good friend.  And shes got me in their Dinner Club.  What more can I ask for?

Perhaps not to feel so much like crap after Ashtanga yoga.

I've been in  super goofy mood all day and its culminating with a desire to dance.  To good rock music.  I haven't been out dancing in almost a year.  And I want to move.  I may suggest to Chantelle that we get some girls together to go dancing.  I'm missing my early 20s big time today.

But my finger is ok.  Its been 24 hours since I nearly said goodbye to my index finger. To make a long story very short, I was stupid and split my finger of glass.  It was frightening.  Very.  And the blood just didn't stop.  Finally, minutes before I had someone coming for supper, I got the bleeding under control.  Today it doesn't look so bad, but theres gonna be a scar. 

I think Im finlally settled here.  Im getting the work to keep myself busy.  My flat is how I want it.  Short of tons of friends, I'm perfectly happy here.  I feel very settled.  And thats a good thing.

yup.  I dont think that took long.

I'm hungry.  I'm not eating again.  I mean I am eating, but just not enough to sustain myself.  and so, I'm losing weight.  This is disturbing to me because I thought I only lost weight when stressed out.  That was apparent last fall when my life literally fell apart before my eyes.  On a side note, someone made reference to the bioling frog thing to me a few nights ago.  I had heard the story of who if you boil a frog slowly they don't notice it, yet if you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water they will jump out.  Well, when this was said to me a few nights ago, I was instantly taken back to the day when I woke up in bed with him and turned to him very uncerimoniously and said "I'm afriad of what I'm going to do today."  that was the day I realized I had depression.  It was a sunny day in July and like the boiling frog I hadn't realized that my life was slowly going down the crapper.  And to top if off, I was in a relationship with a man who then responded (actually, not then responded, he responded during one of our rip roaring fights that night) that I better not wak out of our room until I was no longer depressed.  In essence, I had to suck it up right then or i was on my ass.  But anyway.  This frog comment made me realize that I am not the wise all aware person that I sometimes think I am.  I was that frog.  The frog who was slowly dying before realizing that I had better jump out of the pot.

And I did.  Remember.  One month after playing nice, I took off with no notice to come home to Newfoundland.  Yea, yea, I ran away.  I've heard it before.  From him as well.  I ran.  the shit hit the fan in a way I couldn't imagine and I ran.  I dont think of myself as someone who runs.  but when I look back on my life, maybe I am.  i wasn't willing to put in the effort after 3 years with Robert (for those who dont' know, this was my first...wait...second serious relationship and it ended in 2004).  And I ran.  Instead of working at it and remembering that Robert was the most kind man I had ever met, I ran away and left him literally sitting in his car wondering what happened.  (you wanna know what happened poor boy:  I met the man who would change my life and my personaility forever.  I met him.  And he would be the bad karma I would receive for 4 years).

But I digress.  This isn't about him.  He hasn't been worth my time for months now.  The point is, I was the frog.  And I've learned never to be the frog again.

But...and however...watch me get my ass handed to me.  I've met someone I very much like.  And in true Rian fashion (or maybe not), I have fallen.  I tried not too (and it was easy not to the first date).  But I'm sufficiently a smitten kitten (to say something Bevin would say).  But I'm slightly jaded from the whole "him" experience and I'm careful (a word I used to describe myself the other night).  So while I may look at his face and think thats a face I want to look at for a while, I'm also thinking "ok, so when am I going to get my ass handed to me?"  Basically, I don't trust that anyone would actually want to do much more than "date" me (and by date I mean a four letter word that I'm not prepared to use right now).  I've had one date since the break up with "him" and not a hint of anything else.  Well, except for the flirtation with that guy at Kathys party.  But I'm not willing to date someone whos younger than me.  But I hurt so badly, for so long during and after the relationship with "him" that I'm sitting here now thinking...."that was a nice run Rian, you should be glad you got one awesome weekend of it".

I'm waiting to get my ass handed to me.

Just for the record.

Yes, mine do.

I'm struggling to stay alive today.  Short story is I was up WAY past my bedtime last night doing things which made me feel better than I have felt in 4 years.  Yes ladies and gentlemen, 4 years.  4 years means not once with him did I feel like I did last night.  And most importantly, I did a "rian".  I got to say something to myself that should have caused me to react, but I didn't because I was too damn tired to react.  What is this?  I got to say "theres a boy in my bed".  Considering I was having one those moments where I don't know where I am (yes, that is still happening), I should have at least sat up - because a boy in my bed has not been run of the mill for me since September (actaully August 1st when I was uncerimonously pushed to a single bed in the living room, but Sept is a better month considering I had no will power until september).  But yah, when we got to sleep it was 4am and I honestly haven't done 4am since...well....ok, it was this fall when I was drinking with Kathy at the Duke of Duckworth, but still, at that point I was drunk and I was so hungover the next day that I slept thru the whole "my eyes match my pjs" moment. But I wasn't hungover this morning.   It also didn't help that when I woke up this morning for the first time (oh, at the ungodly hour of say 8am), I was so happy that there was "a boy in my bed", that I could no longer entertain the idea of going back to sleep.

Anyway, that brings you up to speed.  Not really, but I don't feel like rehashing the drama with my co-worker, or the fear in the pit of my stomach that I may end up in that situation or that the department of my dreams wants to interview me for a higher paying position. 

The result of last night was something that I've seriusly been trying achieve since . . . October.  While I long ago moved on from him, I would still get this feeling in my stomach when I was getting the impression from our mutual friends that he had moved on quicker than I had.  If we all remember I stumbled upon the truth of this statement in Jan while reading his blog (because hes still actually a good writer and an interesting blogger).  When stumbling upon this truth I nearly threw up and knew I had had my hands smacked for reaching into the cookie jar.  I have not since gone back to read his blog.  Until today.  Curiousity did not kill the cat this time, but instead smiled in smug acceptance that finally life has moved on.  And it makes me blissfully happy.

Even tho I want to know who she is (i know her name, but I'm curious as to who she is).

I've got to solve this "eyes match your pjs"thing.

I'm not posting as much as I was.  And I have no excuse.  Work isn't exactly busy, but it has kept me busy.  This past week especially I was not so much busy, but worn out when I got home.  I had the justice policy forum for two days, then training on another day.  So three days this week I was out of the office and then combined with yoga and Valentines Day, well, my evenings were full of sleep and relaxation.

the justice Forum was very interesting.  I got to see (not really meet) people in my building and the Brownlee building.  And I got to formulate a better idea of what my place is in Court Services/ALberta Justice.  The training was for ARTS (Action Return Tracking System).  Its the program we use when we deal with briefing notes etc.  It was very boring, but necessary.  Valentines Days night was great.  I went with Chantelle and two of her friends to dinner at Pack Rat Louis.  Very nice place and I had an expensive, but nice dinner.  We talked shop (Chantelle and one of her friends are lawyers) and we chatted about men.  And the sad state of men in Edmonton.  While it was a great evening, I left thinking "Damn, if these fine women are single (and not by choice), what chance do I have?"  Sigh.  But my life is focusing on my career right now, so its not a big issue.  I feel I'm on the verge of dating a few men now anyway, so we will see how things go. 

And this weekend is a long weekend.  I spent yesterday in Yoga - which was awesome.  I felt really strong and today I do not hurt.  And I hoofed it down to Whyte ave to explore a little and have supper and read.  All in all it was a pleasant trip.  I enjoy spending time alone in public places.  Its a part of me that has grown so much over the past 5/6 years.  And now I look forward to spending time reading in public places.  A good glass of wine and a good book are great ways to spend an afternoon.

Today is relaxing day.  I'm trying out my slow cooker.  Yes, I have had it for weeks.  but I've never used it.  So I'm not too keen to go away from the house for too long.  But I will go get groceries.  Hopefully the slow cooker doesn't explode while I'm gone.

And tomorrow is Family Day.  There might be another trip with a book in store.

And a call to Nadine.  Exciting!

Today was my first Justice Policy forum.  For myself and my co worker, it reiterated that we really are lost in the jungle that is Alberta Justice.  But it also showed us that everyone is kind of in this situation.  WE realized that we are further up the food chain than we thought - even if our work environment doesn't always show it.  To be invited to sit at this forum was an indication that we are the policy makers/analysts for Court Services - the largest division of Alberta Justice.  And to be invited to sit on the IPPC (Integrated Policy Planning Committee) for Justice, we realized we are Court Services own little Policy Secretariat.  But as I said, out work environment does not reflect this.  We really should have an assistant (doing it all ourselves is not a recipe for food policy development) and we need a manager.  This last part is top of our wish list, as we would like to report to one person who can filter what comes our way instead of being yes-men for everyone.  We dread friday afternoons, since this is when last minutes orders come down the line and often have a monday deadline.  Instructions for which are never as simple as "edit this".  It always entails calling everyone under the sun to track down the SME (subject matter expert) and then soliciting a response or a direction before we have to go home - cause over time is not something that is approved lightly.

I'm excited at what the job entails.  I enjoy stress and pressure and I often find my best work comes out of pressured positions.  but I'm not looking forward to constant reliance on others to help me.  I have always lived by the adage "if you want a job done, you do it yourself". 

So I've been living alone for one week.  Its different than living with roommates.  Obviously.  In some respects I like it better and in others I like it less.  I'm sure it will settle as time goes on.  Either way, I'm content. And contentment has been an elusive quality for me over the past year.

Work is good.  Its been slow.  But I can see things picking up now.  I feel bad for my coworker because shes run off her feet and I'm just coasting along, waiting for things to happen.  This week will hopefully prove to be a leveller.  We both must attend the Justice Policy forum and by the time I get back I think I will have a load more work on my desk.  the job has great potential to be very rewarding, but I'm not sure if I will spend the rest of my life doing it.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I won't.  I guess I will get expereience for as long as they want me and then move on to do what I truly want to spend my life doing.  What that is, I don't know.  But this is a nice place to start.  People are really nice and I hope I can establish some good friendships here.

I continue to have South Africans haunt me.  In addition to a South African in my office, I also have a South African yoga instructor.  So far, none are from Cape Town (that honor was left to my Internist in St. John's).  For this I am thankful.  As much as I would love to just curl up in a ball and ignore all things South African, they are chasing me down and I am more convinced than ever that South Africans are in my life for a reason - a reason I don't know.  This is despite the fact that a friend thinks I'm insane for thinking this.  But eh, hes in Asia and surrounded by them everyday.

I'm hoping Kathy comes up to visit in April for the Junos.  It will/would be great to have Kathy up for my birthday. 

And I'm still thinking of heading to London later in the year to visit a friend.  Zoom Airlines has a special on, but I would have to make a choice before the ned of the week and I don't think I'm ready to make that decision (let alone pick dates) yet.  But the idea is still there. 

I have a cousin who gets itchy feet when committment (or staying in any place too long) becomes an issue.  Some people get itchy feet at certain times of the year.  I get itchy feet when I see other people in the same position as me looking for other jobs.  I sometimes see it as a sign that all is not well with the employer, sometimes it gets me thinking "what am I not seeing here?" and sometimes I think maybe that person knows something I don't.  And I hate being left in the dark.

Well, it appears that a coworker is looking around for a new job.  Shes new at this game too in every respect (newly minted Masters, new in the position), so for all intents and purposes, she and I are in the same boat (especially since we hold the same title).  We don't specialize in the same things, but this job is hardly using our talents in the repect intended.

So shes looking around, or perhaps shes just interested in another job because its in her field of vision.  But it gets me thinking "maybe I should also be looking?"  Its true that this isn't exactly what I thought I would be doing when I graduated from my Masters.  Its using transferable skills, but not specific skills.  And while I understand that many positions in my field require the transferable experience that this position will bring, I am still left wondreing if I should be looking.

But we all know that what I really want out of life (right now) is an address for more than one year.  And thats what this position is offering.  In conjuction with experience and a decent salary (however, I am learning that I should be getting more with my education).  But, like everyone, I know there are postions out there that would satisify me in many other ways (location, salary, subject matter).  I know I should learn to be happy in the place I'm in, but I find it very difficult when other people are unhappy.  I wonder - should I also be unhappy?  Cause I rarely know if I am happy (employment-wise).  And maybe if I don't know, then the answer is that I'm not.  Or maybe that I just don't know.

In a bad way.

Before I left, I stood up to my parents and confronted them about something that has been hurting me for 15 years - them bad mouthing me when they don't think I can hear them.  And its some pretty hurtful things they say.  Needless to say, for the past 15 years, I've known my parents think I'm selfish, mean, nasty, unlikeable, rude, ungreatful, and a host of other things (which including deserving the bad things that happen to me to just not being that smart). It really has had a huge impact on how I think of myself.  But for the first time since I arrived back from South Africa, I heard them at it again and I confronted them.  I mean, come on, we're all mature adults - apparently.  Don't be a friggin child and bad mouth me while I'm still in the house.  Have the common sense to wait until there is no chance I can hear you.  You've done enough damage to my psyche.  Anyway, they had no idea I could hear them all these years and they apologized.  But not really sincerly.  They kinda apologized the way you do when you're caught doing something bad and your sorry you were caught - not sorry you did what you did.  But I figured it might be enough to never have to hear it again.

But I was wrong.  I just stepped out to get my mail and dad was on skype with mom and they did it again.  I won't stoop to repeat what they said, but its nothing they haven't said about me before.  But come on!  I'm your daughter - not some random person you have the right to judge. 

I don't do this to my friends, or to them.  I don't run to mom and say something mean about dad.  I may say/think it to myself, but I would never say something mean or hurtful about my family or close friends.  ESPECIALLY when theres a small chance they could hear me.  Its just not what I do.  And I would have hoped (when starting out life as a baby), that my parents wouldn't treat me with that kind of disrespect.

But as Mick Jagger is so fond of saying - "you can't always get what you want."