life after it all

I started my grown up job today.

I want to run away screaming.

But I won't - mostly because there is free coffee. Kinda.

I can't describe my first day accurately. So I won't. I will just say I will be writing. . . A LOT. And following procedure like my life depends on it. And words like "Briefing note", "action report", "ADM" will become part of my everyday vocab. Things I write will be read by the minister and possibly in legislature. And my job is very important, crazy, in flux and cool. All at once.

And the bible is "Its called a Breakup because its broken".

I wrote some of my deep feelings about him on my other blog - which was administrered by him.  I new he would get around to reading it eventually.  Although, I didn't think it would be so soon.  So he took me off his blog.  Fair enough, really.  It was just a matter of time.  But in the same breath, he also took me off his friends list on Facebook.  This I found very childish.

Yes, I did tell him I never wanted to hear from him again and that he was to never contact me.  But really, that was said in total anger.  I don't want to hear from him now.  And I don't want to hear from him in the near future.  But somewhere, sometime, down the line (specifically when I have a boyfriend and am happily in the relationship I think will last my lifetime), I know I will want to see how he is. I'm not cruel.  Just really outspoken and apt to say exactly what is on my mind.

I've been dreaming about him the past few nights.  I'm pretty sure this is because I've not allowed myself to think about him at all during the day.  But now, when I dream about him, I wake up feeling sad.  And then I can't sleep.

Whats slightly more troubling is that I'm once again focused on this job in Alberta again.  I had the second video conference interview yesterday.  I think it went well, but you never know with government.  But what worries me is that if I don't get ths job, I will fall into a depression again.  I did it last time when I *thought* I did crap in the interview.  And look where that got me - committing to going back to South Africa. 

So I'm a little scared the only thing keeping me together is the fact that I can concentrate on the Alberta job.

So this blog has multiple purposes.

I have recently had a very important relationship end after 2 offical years and 4 unoffical years.  It was rough.  I moved to South Africa for this man.  I visited him once.  I started my PhD for him.  I did A LOT for him.  And I got jerked around like a dog on a chain.  And in fact, I often now feel if thats how he viewed me.  So I need to rant in a place where he is unlikely  to find out.  He will remain nameless.  Here at least.  But everyone who knows me who is reading this will know exactly WHO I am speaking of.

This is the only purpose I am really ready to mention.  And honestly, its the only one that matters in my life at the moment.  Hopefully others will learn from my mistake (yes he WAS a mistake) and not get involved with a manipulator like him.

So today is day 3 of being offically single.  I've been single since the first breakup in August, but I still lived with him until mid September and we got back together a few times over the past 2 months.  But since I've warned him never to contact me ever again, this is day 3 of the rest of my life.

I feel good.  Surprisingly.  I've had a few moments in the past few days where I wanted to cry my eyes out.  But I've only done it once after the inital shock.  In bed on Sunday night.  I wanted to never wake up.  I was all tapped out emotionally.  After 4 years of living for this man, I was tapped out.  But otherwise, I'm doing ok.  Not fantastic, but thats to be expected.  I did dream about him last night, which was disturbing because for the past week I've been dreaming about other men.  Now that I never want to dream about him again, I do.  Life is funny like that.

However, the signs were there before he lost his small balls.  In the cosmic sense.  I got a call from Alberta Justice on Thursday asking me for a second interview.  My first interview was over 2 weeks ago.  And it went badly from my perspective.  But now they want a video conference on Thursday.  They couldn't get a hold of me initally and sent me an email regarding this on Friday.  Because on Friday I was stil returning to South Africa, I almost immediatly responded to the email saying I was not able to have another interview.  But I didn't.  Something inside of me said . . .

"Wait for Sunday.  They won't read the email until Monday anyway."

And then on Saturday - POW!

So how glad am I that I didn't send of that email?

Very.

So onwards I move.  By myself for the first time in 7 years really.