life after it all

I'm having those wild dreams again.  Yah - the same wild dreams I had while I was living in South Africa.  Dreams that involve people dying, or something horrible happening.  I chaulked them up to things be so shit with him while I was living in CT.  But things are going shit now.  They aren't going fantastic either, but they really do not deserve the wild dreams I have been having.


In one week, the craziness of Christmas will be over.  I will be lying on the sofa, fat and happy, watching World Jrs. Hockey.  I have a feeling Christmas this year is going to be radically different than what Im use too.  I get the feeling my extended family is slowing pulling apart.  Not in a bad way, but just that since all the grandkids are adults (even Katie is 18), theres not the same reason to come together on Christmas day to eat.  The argument a few weeks back over it was evidence that things are really and truly changing.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I love Christmas.  Not like Susan, but I really enjoy it.  I enjoy waking up at 8am to open gifts and getting all dressed up to go to my Uncle Seans place (where there will be no one besides Uncle Sean, Aunt Linda, me, mom and Dad, this year).  I enjoy coming home and lying on the sofa until its time to go to the Walls. I enjoy the craziness of it all.

I'm getting my hair cut today.  Hair is already fabulously brown.  It just needs to be wonderfuly cut. 

And my book.  Yes, the book I am reading, Exit to Eden.  Its the old Erotic book Anne Rice wrote.  I was thinking it was lame until last night.  And then...well.. I'm lying in bed, reading about how Lisa and Eliott travelled to New Oreleans.  And then the most amazing sex scene I've read - ever.  Sigh.  No other words.  Just sigh.

And the bible is "Its called a Breakup because its broken".

I wrote some of my deep feelings about him on my other blog - which was administrered by him.  I new he would get around to reading it eventually.  Although, I didn't think it would be so soon.  So he took me off his blog.  Fair enough, really.  It was just a matter of time.  But in the same breath, he also took me off his friends list on Facebook.  This I found very childish.

Yes, I did tell him I never wanted to hear from him again and that he was to never contact me.  But really, that was said in total anger.  I don't want to hear from him now.  And I don't want to hear from him in the near future.  But somewhere, sometime, down the line (specifically when I have a boyfriend and am happily in the relationship I think will last my lifetime), I know I will want to see how he is. I'm not cruel.  Just really outspoken and apt to say exactly what is on my mind.

I've been dreaming about him the past few nights.  I'm pretty sure this is because I've not allowed myself to think about him at all during the day.  But now, when I dream about him, I wake up feeling sad.  And then I can't sleep.

Whats slightly more troubling is that I'm once again focused on this job in Alberta again.  I had the second video conference interview yesterday.  I think it went well, but you never know with government.  But what worries me is that if I don't get ths job, I will fall into a depression again.  I did it last time when I *thought* I did crap in the interview.  And look where that got me - committing to going back to South Africa. 

So I'm a little scared the only thing keeping me together is the fact that I can concentrate on the Alberta job.