life after it all

I am ruled by my nerves.  This is not new.  Whether I do something or not is connected to whether or not I have the nerve to do it.  And so now, I'm nervous again.  I start my new job with Alberta Justice at 815am tomorrow morning with a meeting with my supervisor.  I emailed the HR person who hired me to confirm this meeting (since I've had no contact with my supervisor and I got this memo weeks ago).  But shes on holidays.  Again.  Oh my.  I hate first days at work, or rather, first days at anything.  I'm horrible with first impressions.

On another note - I need my personal space.  I'm getting irritated by my father.  Just his presense is annoying me.  We aren't really fighting a lot, which is a good thing, but we are together 24/7.  I'm sleeping on an uncomfortable futon while hes in my bed (which I've not slept on yet) and he snored al last night.  best part is that there was no discussion about him taking the bed.  It was a given.  Now I'm sleep deprived and my neck hurts and I bet I will be sleeping in that futon again tonight the night before I start work.  Count down until Sunday begins.

But Lost starts tonight.  So all will be ok for a few hours.

I'm done now.  I'm ready to go to Edmonton.  I'm not packed fully, but I'm done with my parents.  Its plain to see why children move out.  Old wounds and issues were drudged up last night and like always, I'm the one who is made out to be a self-ish, mean brat who is still as self-centred as I was 10 years ago.  Not exactly loving words (said behind my back) by my folks, but not surprising words as I've been hearing mean things said about me since I was 12 by my parents.  Anyway, I confronted them about above mentioned 20 years of things said behind my back and they responded like I would have if I was caught doing something I should have known better.  sigh.  2 days. Then 10 days with my father.  Just hold your tongue.

On a better note, I went for a drink with Nadine after work last night and we settled into the Grapevine (my favourite St. John's wine spot).  We drank red wine and watched as a very drunk 19 year old had a melt down on the phone with her boyfriend.  It made me very happy that I didn't have a cell phone when I was silly enough to drink wine, cocktails and shots all within a 2 hour period.  (Ok ok, so I was still doing that at 22, but I digress).  I'm no longer doing that sort of thing and I never had yelling matches with anyone over my cell phone - not the least of which are yelling matches where someone feels the need to yell (from the mens washroom - yes, she was a girl) "But if you just let me tell you I love you!" It was a little sweet that she wished to tell her very angry boyfriend she loved him, however, I had just witnessed this girl hanging off another very drunk piece of crap (not her boyfriend).  So I had to laugh.  the wonders of youth.

Last night was my last night with A Special Touch.  As much as I bitched about the job, my bitching was really only about the job.  I loved the people I worked with and I will miss them a lot.  Some need a very loud shout out - Cathy (who was let go about 3 weeks ago), Shirley (who gave me a bottle of wine last night), Linda Dawe (who is just the best mother anyone could ask for), Darlene, Dani...and everyone else.  They are a wonderful bunch of girls/women whom I will always have a special place in my heart for.

I've been home for about 4 months.  If you take away the first month where I was such a mess I couldn't even get out of my pjs for longer than 2 hours a day, I've been functional for about 3 months.  I've been amazed at how my parents and I have gotten along.  Better than we've ever gotten along before (and for those of you who don't know, I never got along with my parents).  At times I wondered if they were just biting their tounges because of the mental place I was in  (they've done that before and then in a fit of rage shouted at me that they have been tolerating my behavior because of such and such).  But I rode the wave of getting along and didn't question too much why were were getting along.  I just thought I had really and truly come through a life altering experience and I was now becoming a true and real grown up.

Well, today was the end of that crystal clear relationship.  Last night there was an argument with my mother about some financial arragements we have (she put $100 into an account for me to go towards my loans, but dad is unaware of this - why, I have no idea).  It came in the form of a bank statement arriving with some withdrawals that seemed a bit odd.  And my mother isn't not the most responsible when it comes to remembering what she does financially.  So I called her on it.  YES, I've never put a cent into the account, but its in my name and I wanted to know why she put money in and then took more money out than she put in.  I think its fair that I should know what this is about.  But mom couldn't remember and an argument ensued which dad got in on (not really having a clue what was going on).

It ended and I gave up on figuring out any of it.  But today mom wants to continue this discussion, but not really as a discussion, as an argument about how I got her in trouble with dad because he gave it to her after the fight about why she was taking money out of my account.  I just wanted to know why she withdrew more money than she had just put in.  I think its resonable for me to know that.  If shes hiding something for dad, thats between her and dad, not me.  But a huge fight occurred and it made me realized that this is exactly why I don't want to live at home - because the smooth path will only go so long before we begin to annoy the crap out of each other.

Oh and my biggest pet peeve (which my mom hauled out of her anger tool box today) - don't tell me I'm in a bad mood.  Don't tell me I'm contrary. I'm probably not and I hate it when people interpret my mood. It angers me beyond belief.

So employment, come on.  I'm at the edge of reason here and I have no idea how long I will hang on before I fall off.