life after it all

I'm hungry.  I'm not eating again.  I mean I am eating, but just not enough to sustain myself.  and so, I'm losing weight.  This is disturbing to me because I thought I only lost weight when stressed out.  That was apparent last fall when my life literally fell apart before my eyes.  On a side note, someone made reference to the bioling frog thing to me a few nights ago.  I had heard the story of who if you boil a frog slowly they don't notice it, yet if you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water they will jump out.  Well, when this was said to me a few nights ago, I was instantly taken back to the day when I woke up in bed with him and turned to him very uncerimoniously and said "I'm afriad of what I'm going to do today."  that was the day I realized I had depression.  It was a sunny day in July and like the boiling frog I hadn't realized that my life was slowly going down the crapper.  And to top if off, I was in a relationship with a man who then responded (actually, not then responded, he responded during one of our rip roaring fights that night) that I better not wak out of our room until I was no longer depressed.  In essence, I had to suck it up right then or i was on my ass.  But anyway.  This frog comment made me realize that I am not the wise all aware person that I sometimes think I am.  I was that frog.  The frog who was slowly dying before realizing that I had better jump out of the pot.

And I did.  Remember.  One month after playing nice, I took off with no notice to come home to Newfoundland.  Yea, yea, I ran away.  I've heard it before.  From him as well.  I ran.  the shit hit the fan in a way I couldn't imagine and I ran.  I dont think of myself as someone who runs.  but when I look back on my life, maybe I am.  i wasn't willing to put in the effort after 3 years with Robert (for those who dont' know, this was my first...wait...second serious relationship and it ended in 2004).  And I ran.  Instead of working at it and remembering that Robert was the most kind man I had ever met, I ran away and left him literally sitting in his car wondering what happened.  (you wanna know what happened poor boy:  I met the man who would change my life and my personaility forever.  I met him.  And he would be the bad karma I would receive for 4 years).

But I digress.  This isn't about him.  He hasn't been worth my time for months now.  The point is, I was the frog.  And I've learned never to be the frog again.

But...and however...watch me get my ass handed to me.  I've met someone I very much like.  And in true Rian fashion (or maybe not), I have fallen.  I tried not too (and it was easy not to the first date).  But I'm sufficiently a smitten kitten (to say something Bevin would say).  But I'm slightly jaded from the whole "him" experience and I'm careful (a word I used to describe myself the other night).  So while I may look at his face and think thats a face I want to look at for a while, I'm also thinking "ok, so when am I going to get my ass handed to me?"  Basically, I don't trust that anyone would actually want to do much more than "date" me (and by date I mean a four letter word that I'm not prepared to use right now).  I've had one date since the break up with "him" and not a hint of anything else.  Well, except for the flirtation with that guy at Kathys party.  But I'm not willing to date someone whos younger than me.  But I hurt so badly, for so long during and after the relationship with "him" that I'm sitting here now thinking...."that was a nice run Rian, you should be glad you got one awesome weekend of it".

I'm waiting to get my ass handed to me.

Just for the record.

And the bible is "Its called a Breakup because its broken".

I wrote some of my deep feelings about him on my other blog - which was administrered by him.  I new he would get around to reading it eventually.  Although, I didn't think it would be so soon.  So he took me off his blog.  Fair enough, really.  It was just a matter of time.  But in the same breath, he also took me off his friends list on Facebook.  This I found very childish.

Yes, I did tell him I never wanted to hear from him again and that he was to never contact me.  But really, that was said in total anger.  I don't want to hear from him now.  And I don't want to hear from him in the near future.  But somewhere, sometime, down the line (specifically when I have a boyfriend and am happily in the relationship I think will last my lifetime), I know I will want to see how he is. I'm not cruel.  Just really outspoken and apt to say exactly what is on my mind.

I've been dreaming about him the past few nights.  I'm pretty sure this is because I've not allowed myself to think about him at all during the day.  But now, when I dream about him, I wake up feeling sad.  And then I can't sleep.

Whats slightly more troubling is that I'm once again focused on this job in Alberta again.  I had the second video conference interview yesterday.  I think it went well, but you never know with government.  But what worries me is that if I don't get ths job, I will fall into a depression again.  I did it last time when I *thought* I did crap in the interview.  And look where that got me - committing to going back to South Africa. 

So I'm a little scared the only thing keeping me together is the fact that I can concentrate on the Alberta job.

So this blog has multiple purposes.

I have recently had a very important relationship end after 2 offical years and 4 unoffical years.  It was rough.  I moved to South Africa for this man.  I visited him once.  I started my PhD for him.  I did A LOT for him.  And I got jerked around like a dog on a chain.  And in fact, I often now feel if thats how he viewed me.  So I need to rant in a place where he is unlikely  to find out.  He will remain nameless.  Here at least.  But everyone who knows me who is reading this will know exactly WHO I am speaking of.

This is the only purpose I am really ready to mention.  And honestly, its the only one that matters in my life at the moment.  Hopefully others will learn from my mistake (yes he WAS a mistake) and not get involved with a manipulator like him.

So today is day 3 of being offically single.  I've been single since the first breakup in August, but I still lived with him until mid September and we got back together a few times over the past 2 months.  But since I've warned him never to contact me ever again, this is day 3 of the rest of my life.

I feel good.  Surprisingly.  I've had a few moments in the past few days where I wanted to cry my eyes out.  But I've only done it once after the inital shock.  In bed on Sunday night.  I wanted to never wake up.  I was all tapped out emotionally.  After 4 years of living for this man, I was tapped out.  But otherwise, I'm doing ok.  Not fantastic, but thats to be expected.  I did dream about him last night, which was disturbing because for the past week I've been dreaming about other men.  Now that I never want to dream about him again, I do.  Life is funny like that.

However, the signs were there before he lost his small balls.  In the cosmic sense.  I got a call from Alberta Justice on Thursday asking me for a second interview.  My first interview was over 2 weeks ago.  And it went badly from my perspective.  But now they want a video conference on Thursday.  They couldn't get a hold of me initally and sent me an email regarding this on Friday.  Because on Friday I was stil returning to South Africa, I almost immediatly responded to the email saying I was not able to have another interview.  But I didn't.  Something inside of me said . . .

"Wait for Sunday.  They won't read the email until Monday anyway."

And then on Saturday - POW!

So how glad am I that I didn't send of that email?

Very.

So onwards I move.  By myself for the first time in 7 years really.