Ok, so I have something else to say today
I came of age in university. I became an adult in the hallowed halls of academia. 4 years of an undergrad and 2 years of a Masters - all by age 26. And don't forget my lost year of my PhD. And so I was indoctrinated with the idea of pubish of perish. But now, I'm not in university. And I'm not even looking down the barrel of university. Yet I feel this strong desire to write something to be published. Its not a desire really, but a compulsion. Desire would indicate I WANT to write something. But I don't. I feel great anxiety about writing again. In fact, when I think of writing something, I get heart palipations. But I have a semi-good idea for a paper - Marginalized Security - about the increasing importance of an integration between Human Security and Traditinoal Security (brought on by recent events in Kenya). The topics themselves have done nothing to me. They have, infact, treated me well over the past year. But the external memories of the subject (*cough* do I need to say what they are?), make me anxious. And so now, anything that I was doing while in Cape Town - even if its not directly related to what happened between me and and ass - makes me anxious. This includes writing. (It also included photography, but I'm slowly getting over that, but its difficult). So when I think of writing, the anxiety I feel about the past year creeps up and I get this revulsion towards writing.
So I guess my question/conundrum is: DO I have to write? Am I in a career position where writing will benefit me? And if it will benefit me, is the benefit enough to outweigh the extreme anxiety I get when I think about writing?
I know that to get over the anxiety I must just write. that eventually new memories will be formed and I will no longer connect writing with Cape Town and bad times. But I just don't want to write right now. So is it ok that I push that part of my life to the side right now (while I am still hurting) and wait until the pain is gone away?
Am I a failure still if I stop writing for a few more months?
So I guess my question/conundrum is: DO I have to write? Am I in a career position where writing will benefit me? And if it will benefit me, is the benefit enough to outweigh the extreme anxiety I get when I think about writing?
I know that to get over the anxiety I must just write. that eventually new memories will be formed and I will no longer connect writing with Cape Town and bad times. But I just don't want to write right now. So is it ok that I push that part of my life to the side right now (while I am still hurting) and wait until the pain is gone away?
Am I a failure still if I stop writing for a few more months?
