life after it all

And what have you done?

Everyone would agree - this has been a rough year for me.  2007 will go down as the year I actually learned something.  And my Christmas has reflected this.  So its time to look back and maybe make some brief sense out of my year.  It is that time of the year and all.

2007 started out so very promising.  I was happy, blissfully happy, and ready to marry the man I thought I had always wanted in my life.  I had dedicated 3 years (at that point) to him and whether it was officially 3 years or not (it was 3 year to me, but as we all know he was screwing around for some of that time behind my back), that was still a large chunk of my 20's.  Life was never blissfull however.  Around April, it became clear that things were going seriusly south (and considering I was in South Africa, things couldn't go much more South).  By the end of July it was over and August made it offical. After a month and a half of me jumping any time he said how high and I had a physical and emotional breakdown (he honestly thought I was attention seeking when I passed out in Gardens mall and at first wasn't going to take my pale, sick, shivering ass to the hostpital in Pinelands).  I stuck it out for another few days of him half heartedly making sure I didn't die (and he made it seem like such a chore) and I yelled at him for cheating on me and lying to me and being a horrible person (apparently weak and sick Rian has a lot more guts than healthly Rian).  I reflected I think for only a moment on the one truly happy week we had had in the prior month and I called my folks and told them to get my very sick ass out of South Africa.  I was home before the end of the week.

It then took me over 2 months to figure out he will never-ever change.  It was a difficult 2 months of too many tears and way too much weight lost.  But December 8 2007 was the day I cut Jonathan Matthew Endersby out of my life forever.  I haven't turned back and have not spoken to him since.  I've got too many South Africans in my life to keep me entertained :)

2007 was also the year I started (and quit) my PhD.  It was difficult to do my PhD with all the drama going on in my personal life.  I enjoyed it most of the time, but to the end I really hated it.  It was a tough decision to make to quit and I guess the door is still open somewhat if I get SSHRC.  But thats a bridge I will cross in the new year.  And honestly, its one I would rather not cross at all.

I rediscovered friendship in 2007 as well.  I met a wonderful couple while in South Africa - Gavin and Eunice.  Eunice was there for me through it all.  And she deserves chocolate and wine forever for her friendship.

I arrived home to the open arms (at 3am) to the best friends a girl could ever ask for.  Kathy, Amanda and April rocked my socks in the airport.  I was so dazed that I don't think I showed enough emotion, but there they were, with balloons and smiles.  I rekindled my fledging friendships with April and Amanda over the following few months and I re-established a wonderful life long friendship with Kathy.  That girl will go to the ends of the earth for you and anyone who knows her counts herself very lucky.

I also realized that some of my other best friends are just as wonderful.  Nadine was surprisingly strong during the 2 months between coming home and writing him out of my life.  She would probably be hurt to hear me say "surprisingly", but its true. I always knew she was great, but in October and November, she really came thru for me.  While she still picks on me all the time, she also knows when to extend her arms in a hug.

Most important to me this year was my relationship with my parents.  They managed to be there every second of the roller coaster smash that was my life with Jonathan.  As many people know, I was never close to my parents growing up (as my mother said in November - "You never opened up to us before...").  But when things came smashing down around me in May, I felt such a need to open up to them.  From then on I just felt things become easier with them.  I dont mind living at home right now.  And I've opened up to my mother in ways I never thought possible.  And my father....wow, he flew to toronto to help me home.  To those people who don't understand where toronto is in relation to St. JOhn's, its like flying from London to Prague or Calgary to Montreal or Cape Town to like.....Jo-burg and back and more.  Its a long way to go just for an 8 hour stop over.  I was blown away to see him cry in Toronto airport.  Blown away again to see him cry on December 8 when I told him I no longer wanted to know who Jonathan was anymore.

I also started my first real career job search.  Its been a tough road and its not over.  I'm still sitting the Alberta Justice competition. God knows when that will finish.  I have got to admit that I am banking a lot of that job.  And I do fear that if I don't get it I will spiral into depressin again.  Which is why I've made the decision that I will go to Europe if I don't get the job.  I will take a real vacation.  Kick back, drink, eat and be very very merry.  Very very merry.  There might be X rated merriness in my holiday.  who knows yet.

I also suffered my first ever bout of depression this year.  Surprised?  I think I started getting depressed in July when it was obvious that things were not going well.  It didn't help matters that in late July I was told by Jonathan that if I didnt just "snap out of it" that he would dump me.  It only got worse and it wasn't until I came home that I started to feel better.  I think I'm almost out of it by now, but I will have to see how I get thru this job thing before I can say I'm over it.

I started seeing a therapist in mid October as well.  I highly recommend one to everyone I know.  I haven't seen her now in over 2 weeks, but I think I'll go back to her at least one more time.  She is more my personal cheerleader than anything else and really, thats what I need in my life right now.

Finally, I've realized that I want and need to focus on my career.  I'm 27 and I have a great education.  I have great life expereinces and great, but small work experiences.  I need to work on making my small work experiences into big ones.  So my career is first in my life.  Not men (which is where my priority has been for the past 7 years), not socializing.  I'm dating (well, I've had one date, but its early days on the road to recovery from the ass).  I'm being responsible (i've not once flashed anyone my boobs after too much to drink) and I'm loving the company of my friends. 

Who knows what 2008 will bring.  The only thing that is certain is that I will turn 28 on April 5.  Everything else - is yet to be determined.

Oh, and I learned how to drive a manual.

I think Xmas strips people of their common sense. Between my co-workers acting like 10 year olds to my friends assuming WAY to much, my life today appears to be upside down and inside out. I feel like I'm the only one who still has their head on straight today.

I'm still livid with Alberta Justice. I'm not using my "new found awareness" to not let it get to me. But who am I kidding? I think I threw out my new awareness the minute the asshole changed his mind for the 4th time. I'm passing in the forms for my criminal record check today and I don't expect it back until at least Jan 4th. Its going to be a long, long 2 weeks.

Tomorrow is Kathys annual Tibbs Eve party. Its always a good time. And hopefully more so than usual for me this year. I finally have no boyfriend to think about. I actually thought about it this year. I've never been to one of Kathy's Tibbs Eve partys without having either a boyfriend or the asshole acting like a boyfriend. I may have to work at 12 the next day, I'm ready for a rocking night full of "I sooooo don't care" and "hello stranger!" Ok ok. So thats what my alter ego, Kate, would like to do. the reality is that I'm more likely to spend the night talking to Erin and surprisining Yves with my incredibly inproper description of how excited I get by certain aspects of technology. Poor Poor Yves. He will never look at a dvd burner the same way again.

And today I've been fighting the urge to say something to someone.   To say it to someone would mean I would be doing a complete 180degree turn from the "marching forward" direction I've been taking.  But I'm an aries.  And I have a strong habit of acting first and thinking later.  So think of this as me thinking first.  Nothing i have to say is news to the people involved, but I feel a very strong urge to say it out of principle.  I even have the urge to involve a 2nd party who might not know what the first party was doing/saying he was going to do with reference to the second party.  And in all honesty, my feelings towards the second party are absolute hatred and I blame her sorry, slutty ass for a whole lot of trouble in my life over the past 4 years.  So really, the effect of what I want to say is to hurt two parties, rather than just one.

Ok, so that was me thinking outloud.  My desire to stoop to take the low road is fading.  He can involve himself in her again, but we all know where that road will lead.....again.

I feel a strong urge to warn women of the world . . .  .

I'm in an agry mood.  Maybe I'm best left alone.